By Karin Leonard
Emotional mastery is one
of the most challenging, and at the same time, richly rewarding aspects
of self-development. How
often do we set goals or have the greatest intentions for our
relationships, only to experience a whole other agenda taking over: the
grip of powerful currents within our psyche. Whether we're trying to
motivate ourselves for a new project, wanting to change habits or stop
picking fights with our partner just pushing our emotions away doesn't
tend to work for long.
Many of our emotional
responses can be traced back to our childhood, where they served a
highly valuable function: to make sense out of the earthling experience.
We may have found out, for example that we would get what we
want, if we throw a temper tantrum.
Or, the expression of anger may not have been allowed in our
family and we learned to stuff it. Crying could then be a way to
hopefully get our needs met, or depression may result from the
On an evolutionary note,
emotions in general serve as a feedback system, and along with our
rational faculties, guide our decision making process.
"Emergency emotions" such as intense fear or anger
originate in one of the older brain parts, the amygdala.
The function of these feelings is to protect us, ensuring our
survival: fear can prevent danger, and anger gives us the strength to
Granted, our emotions are
puzzling even overwhelming at times.
Nonetheless they are valuable as a finely tuned guidance system.
Besides, our feelings bring vivid colors and aliveness to our everyday
Emotions can also be seen
as a call to action, and as we understand the information that is
contained within them, their impact tends to lessen.
Take anger, for example. What
is the information? Did
someone overstep a boundary or value that we uphold?
The energy behind anger tends to be protective of all we hold
dear - the intention is (usually) positive.
Yet how we deal with the anger may not be getting us the
results we want.
Or how about unhappiness -
what is the information? Are
we not living up to our own standards?
Are our needs not getting met?
Emotions are a key to fulfillment - they let us know whether
we're on track with our deepest desires and needs. Our soul's desire is
for self- expression of our potential. When we're on that path we tend to feel happy.
Negative emotion can be feedback that we are off- target.
Experiment with receiving
the messages within your emotions - what is the learning?
Notice what brings you fulfillment and happiness.
Most of our emotional
experience is greatly influenced by thought.
We can process our feelings and decide on a course of action.
However, there are those times when we become intensely
"triggered," and it may seem as if our responses are
completely out of control. (Daniel Goleman in his brilliant book Emotional
Intelligence calls that "Emotional Hijacking").
In the instance of an angry
outburst a protective mechanism takes over. In that moment, the amygdala
or emotional brain directs our action without first going through the
thinking brain (neocortex). For cave humans this was an advantage - they
could immediately react to danger.
For us modernites reacting socially before we think can get us
into serious trouble. However,
our biology hasn't changed that much in the last 10,000 years.
This is where emotional
evolution comes in: we may not be able to change the parts of our
brain, yet we hold the key to our personal development through awareness
and choice. Evolution
has become a conscious, self- directed process, up to you and I.
In case of an
"Emotional Hijacking," slow down the time between emotional
trigger and response. When you notice you are getting worked up, do
something - anything - to not respond right away: take a deep breath, go
outside, hang up the phone - give yourself time to think about it.
Chances are your results will be much more constructive.
The great work of personal
evolution challenges us to bridge the gap between emotions and mind.
We need to learn how to marry older and newer parts of our brain,
valuing our emotions as much as our thoughts.
It is through integration that mastery can be achieved.
For sunrise and sunset both announce the beginning of something
new, one could not exist without the other. And who is to say that the
sun dancing on the ocean waves is more beautiful than the exquisite
elegance of moonlit silver in the night...